All Hail the Big Red Cheerio!

June 3, 1999:
How time flies ... before I forget, my attorney has offered a brief explanation of Title VI for those interested:

The Civil Rights Act of 1964 had eleven sections, called "Titles." The best known is probably Title VII, which prohibits discrimination by private employers on the bases of race, sex, religion, national origin, and others. Title VI prohibits discrimination on those bases (except sex) in programs that receive federal funding. The Title covers almost every entity or program that receives any money from the federal government. Thus, it reaches most colleges and universities, including the subject of the attached paper, the University of California at Berkeley School of Law (Boalt Hall) specifically, as well as the University of California system of Universities generally.

May 3, 1999:
I have to let the world know before it is too late:
I AM BEING MENACED BY GOLFERS.
I'll explain that when It's safe.

April 30, 1999:
"If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."

-- Dorthy Parker

April 19, 1999:
More nonesense for anyone who cares:

Friend blew into town from L.A.
Refridgerator died
Got poor (but not so poor that I care)
Lost the will to live
Decided that it would take too much effort, so went to work anyway.

April 9, 1999:
For those who care, a quick update on myself for the last few weeks:

Work too much
Sister evicted
Sister moved in; sister moved out
Grandmother died
Got rich (unrelated)

So there you go. Three more years of this, and I'll be dead.

April 5, 1999:
Our resident attorney has the sent us the following childhood reminiscences of Little Jimmy on the eve of his return to higher education:

Can it be that at the tender age of 27 (Little) Jimmy has finally been admitted to a graduate writing program? Why, I remember back when he was a struggling junior high writer attempting to entertain his colleagues while disgusting his instructor. I particularly recall a little tale about two battling movie reviewers--one fat, the other skinny--and their cute little poodle, stuck to the floor of the theater by butter and other less wholesome materials, struggling to rise and, upon succeeding, leaving a bloody mass of underbelly fur behind ... Yes, those were indeed the days. In that early work, one could see the germ of the fully blown ... well, i guess disease would have to be the word ... that is his current writing, filled as it is with depravity, baseness, loads of unwholesome materials, and the occassional insight about our species and culture, described in a way that leaves you feeling like you just took a shot to the gut ... Maybe you'll find it disgusting or pointless, but it's undeniably good, and some of it even has the stink of truth upon it ... Read and/or ignore it at your own risk ...

March 30, 1999:
The Taming of the Beast: Word on the street is that the Beast of Boulder has been accepted to a graduate writing program - might just keep him out of the penal (penile?) system that much longer. In the author's own swill-soaked words, "i did somehow hoodwink those a-holes up at CU-boulder to let me in this year. They didnt want me last year cuz, well, I dont really know--something about being too [CENSORED] as a writer and so ... 'hey let this smutmonger in' ... lots of things getting shoved up people ... im hoping ... to not have to work for two or three years and just fuck around"

Or something to that effect. Godspeed, Little Jimmy, wherever you end up getting it.

Ascend/Lucent crap has been reclassified after a focus group reported that nobody actually cared. Ah, well - stock's up; I'm either unemployed or rich - so there.

Chris has decided that he likes it here better, and is once again hanging his rumpled cap here with us.

February 11, 1999:
Coincidence? You heard it here first. Wanna know why UC Berkeley is being sued? What the heck is Title VI? It just so happens that our attorney's Boalt Hall rant was on that very subject. Hell, he's thinking it might be a good 'friend of the court' brief.

January 24, 1999:
Want to know how in god's name Sky became a lawyer? Well it all started (or rather ended) here with this little missive against the very institution with the gaul to give him a diploma. We let MicrofuckingSoft do the initial translation to HTML; don't be suprised if some of the text is in aramaic. Read until your eyes glaze over.

Additionally, the Beast of Boulder is back with even more tasty treats. Don't forget to check out our very first hate mail exchange. And again, no warranty express or implied ...

On an entirely unrelated note: the ever-malevolent Very Metal Dave has apprised me of the news that we here at lfino will soon be home to the "Very Devious Mr. Banana" and other concoctions of a mind used to swatting away imaginary ants.

January 8, 1999:
Tastes great and less filling - Lfino has acquired some of the rare manuscripts of the deeply disturbed Matt Samet. Examine the evidence, and decide for yourself. Try not to lose your lunch.

Very Metal Dave (Couch) and his band have found a sympathetic home here at lfino. Check out his slowly [de]volving world under the cryptic file Thanatopsis, or enter under Dave's less shadowy door.

Chris is screwing around in here right now. If you want to see what he's working on, take a look. It might be worth dropping by to see how that's going, but as usual, no warranties express or implied.

If you're wondering what the name means, sound it out. It's phonetic.
Still wondering?

By the way, I've been hearing from myself lately, and I'm far more entertaining than I remember myself. One of the many dangers of life on the internet. More on this soon...

Want to know what Steph is up to? Read on ...

There's a slowly evolving alternate homepage ... take a look, decide for yourself whether or not the whole thing is a bad idea.

Coming soon - Adventures from the Big Yellow Dot
(Starring Idiot Girl)
CANCELLED - she quit before anyone could strangle her.

January 11, 1999:
For those who care ... looks like the Flaming Red Circle is going to eat the Big Yellow Dot. Sometimes you just don't know who you work for.

January 13, 1999:
Ever have one of those mornings where you wake up and work for Lucent? Well, I have. This morning, in fact. Don't know exactly what it means, but it's making it a bit more difficult to keep the Cheerios down this morning. Somebody have a dictionary? I need to look up the word 'synergy' again ...

January 14, 1999:
The indoctrination is over, and the implant didn't hurt a bit. I am now strangely unconcerned as to what I do, or for whom. After a string of teleconferences yesterday wherein we were all assured that the sky was not falling and please pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, and the Flaming Red Circle is a GOOD GOOD COMPANY TO WORK FOR and everybody's going to be JUST FINE and there's so much synergy here it's unbearable, today all thousand of us were all marched down to the Scottish Rite temple for deprogramming, humiliation, oaths of loyalty, the secret masonic handshake, and free baseball caps. I smiled so much my face still hurts.

The question for the day: If all of your friends jumped off a bridge and you didn't, would you get reprimanded for not being a team player? You - get back in line.

Damn, I didn't think I'd have to do it ...
I had to sever my relationship with KQED (the Bay Area NPR station) recently. Too much Monica, too much of the time. It's been a lot like your parents and sex - you know it happens, but there are some things you just don't need to hear about.

This week, they've become C-SPAN - and without the pretty pictures, it's just hot air on the air. I urge people who've had it with their local stations covering this joke to stop calling their congresspeople, and start calling the stations. If we all pull together, maybe we can get somebody to shut up.